Hey, look! I got featured on The Wang Post. It’s about binders, women, and a strange marriage “broker.” Hope you enjoy.
Some guys bring a gift to the lady on the second date.
Some guys send flowers to her office after the first date.
And yet some guys come armed with goodies ON the first date, when they first meet.
Guys, guys, guys.
You must realize that most of your dating troubles arise because of over-eagerness. You’re already doing something that only a boyfriend should be doing. Compliments, treating her to nice (expensive) places, and showering her with gifts… This is all too much, too early.
She’s going to think A) you do this to all the girls you meet and thus she is not that special to you, B) you’re a wuss, so you basically have to bribe her with gifts to earn her affection or C) both.
If you really want to get her a little something, present it to her on the third date. Until then, don’t try so hard.
Dear Awkward Bro,
If she fixes her hair once every ten minutes, don’t trust her.
Trust me on this.
Just Call Her
Welcome to another edition of Search Engine Sunday. Giggling isn’t something I do often, but I can’t help it when I review the Google searches people entered to find my blog here. Let’s review.
is it okay to call a woman on sunday: Of course it is. The ideal time I suggest is in the evening around 9 pm, when most people relax before the work week ahead.
dating fails it will never end: You sound hopeless… yet you’re searching this because you’re looking for solutions, right?
how long should i wait to text her again 2013: Kudos to you, bro, for looking up communication etiquette that is up-to-date. However, my recommendation here doesn’t change year to year. Simply reply when you see her text. If you’re busy, get back to it when you have a moment to craft your message. Because you’re an active and responsible guy, which she probably hopes you are, you won’t bother calculating the elapsed time between texts as you correspond with her.
do i ask a man out on a third date?: I say go for it. Great dating is made with two things: Intentional Action and Intentional In-Action. Once you do ask him out (Intentional Action) and he agrees to it, try not to do too much in terms of showing affection (Intentional In-Action). Give him a chance to lead.
how to end a second date: Embrace, look at each other, and kiss on the lips. Straight up.
she hugged me on first date: Good sign, but it’s the minimally good sign. It means if you entered a Creep Contest and she were the judge, you’d finish last place. Keep the momentum going with her, make it better. Make it exciting.
if she hasn’t kissed you by the third date, she’s there for the food: Uh, no. She’s waiting for you to make the right moves, because you haven’t made them. Instead you’re making her into a greedy foodie. Bastard. You deserve to be fruitless despite all the money and effort you dished out for her.
woman ask for 3rd date at her house: Before you go, shower and spray a little cologne on. Bring a bottle of champagne. Prepare for a long night, in the good sense, but don’t act like you’re entitled to it.
what purse to bring on first date: As long as it’s not a Hello Kitty purse and it’s not the size of a beach ball, you should be fine.
when men forget to call: Sweetie, have you heard of this book called, He’s Just Not that Into You?
i like this girl but i’m awkward: Aren’t we all? Just go for it. The smallest deed always trumps the greatest intention.
When I get emails in my blog inbox, it’s usually one of these:
- Hey, man. I like your blog, keep it going. Sincerely, Dude.
- Omg, you are so funny and witty on your blog! Can you teach my boyfriend how to date? Sincerely, Chick Who Doesn’t Think Things Through Before Emailing.
- Would you like to promote our All-Natural Penis Enlargement Supplement on your blog?
But recently I got an email from someone named Jen Glantz. This email did not fit into one of the categories above. After close inspection, my eyebrows started to dance in anxious excitement as I discovered…
- Jen Glantz is also a dating blogger.
- Jen is fo’ realz, y’all.
- She just published her first e-book called All My Friends are Engaged. You can find it on Amazon, along with a sample chapter.
- I had to read this book of hers. I just had to.
So, in two sittings, I examined her book. And in both sittings I laughed like this.
Let me just say this: Her dating book was so good, it had me thinking that I am actually not Korean but in fact, Jewish. This would explain a lot of things. In other words, read it.
Book bio: Chances are you’ve been there before: on an awkward first date where you find yourself stuck playing 20 questions with a person who has broccoli stuck in their teeth, or who spends half the evening whining about how their ex left them with an achy-breaky heart, or the one who shows up so on-the-rocks wasted that they end up passed out in their bowl of clam chowder before the main course arrives.
All My Friends Are Engaged is a collection of dating disaster stories, packed with witty and relatable answers to the age-old annoying question of “Why are you still single?” All the stories embarrassingly belong to the author, Jen Glantz, who you may have seen before on Thought Catalog, USA TODAY College, Thethingsilearnedfrom.com, or JDate.
Link to read a chapter: http://
thethingsilearnedfrom.com/ from-all-my-friends-are- engaged-the-ebook/
So, you like her.
You’ve liked for a while. But she doesn’t like you. You two haven’t dated at all.
It’s a crush, an infatuation, or an obsession. It’s one way, all the way.
But you believe you are good for her. If she only gets to know you, if she only spends time with you, if you can just get the right opportunity (say, get stranded on a deserted island for a month– you’re not the only dude who imagines this), then it’s a done deal. Because you’re good and you’ll be good to her.
Brother, you are completely clueless about women.
Good is… not good enough. Despite what your bitter and broken manly heart believes, quality single women are NOT allergic to good men. It’s only that good men, like yourself, present yourself as a good man.
Don’t be good. Instead, be new.
That beautiful she-thing you’ve been drooling over the past few ______ (insert weeks, months, or years)? Let her go, man.
But the new beautiful she-thing that you met last night at the bar? Full speed ahead, cap’n.
New is exciting, but good is boring. New is mysterious, but good is obvious. Present to her that you are new first, then show her that you are good. For example, don’t ask her out to an expensive sushi dinner for the first date. Try organic ice cream on a weekend afternoon instead.
Stop with sentimental romantic bullshit and look for new opportunities. Your chances will be ridiculously better.
It has to come to my attention that a good number of ladies out there –fine and smart as they are– are sad. And they are sad quite regularly.
Well, maybe sad isn’t the right word. Maybe heartbreak is more accurate. It’s overwhelming, all-consuming, painful and powerful.
No wonder heartbreak is so addictive.
It’s like men who have anger management issues. They aren’t just angry, but it’s like they have the need to be angry to get anything done and to get through the day.
I see women struggling the same way, but with heartbreak. Of course, after a serious, long-term relationship ends, one needs time to experience the pain and to heal. But… they are some women out there (and men, too) who seem to be breaking their own hearts and it’s not just a one-time deal.
Yes, your boyfriend may have left you. Yes, you may be single. But no one is forcing you to be a Debbie Downer. The person has departed from your life awhile ago. Why are you still stuck?
Heartbreak, rage, depression, melancholy, loneliness, boredom. These are all emotional addictions. I know I can’t help much with this dinky blog post, but I can say this: Identify your masochistic tendencies. Accept them and be aware of them. Do whatever it takes to overcome them.
If you can’t be a complete, grounded adult living in peace as a single, you’re only asking for trouble when you’re looking for the next partner.
I don’t follow musicals, but I’m happy to see a Broadway production entirely on the challenges –and awkwardness– in today’s dating. Go, Chuck!
1. Hi, nice to meet you. I’m a hugger. Do you hug? Let’s hug.
2. Sorry, I’m late. I had to feed my five cats, Max, Mocha, Momo, Muffin and Stephen Colbert.
3. Sorry, I’m late. I was talking about you with my mom before she dropped me off just now.
4. Sorry, I’m late. I lost track of time at the gym, so I skipped the shower. I’m not too sweaty right now, am I?
5. You look different from your photos. In person you look… healthier.
6. I’m a foodie. Are you a foodie, too? You totally look like a foodie, like totally.
7. Before we talk about anything, I have something very important to ask you… Have you met Jesus?
8. Hold, hold, hold. Something smells just fabulous. Do you use Herbal Essence? Lean in to me so I can smell your hair.
9. I’ve got one hour with you. Let’s get this over with.
10. I found you on Facebook last night. We have twenty-three mutual friends.
11. I found your old Xanga and I read everything in one sitting. I feel like I’m already intimate with you.
12. I found out you used to date a guy named Steve. What was that like?
13. I found out I used to date your former roommate. Is that okay?
14. You work at Google? Can I email you my resume right now? I’m unemployed.
15. Let’s get drunk tonight.
16. I don’t see what’s wrong with having a Liquid Cocaine on a first date.
17. Last night I read a book about seducing women. It said I should say your hair looks like a waffle. Is it working?
18. Hold on, let me Instagram your food.
19. Can I take your leftovers home? I want it for lunch tomorrow.
20. My buddies don’t believe I’m on a date right now. Can I send them a photo of us right now?
21. Don’t worry, I got the bill. You just be a woman and sit there pretty, okay?
22. Look, I already know you won’t see me again. I get it. But at least can you give me a long and tight hug before you go? I’m lonely.
23. I live a block away. You’re so coming.
24. Come meet my five cats. Stephen Colbert would be ecstatic to meet you.
Here’s a life-altering piece of advice: Get an arm-covering tattoo. Tell the ink artist, “I want you to put an entire story on my arm. You decide what that is.”
Then enjoy the rest of your single life –wearing short sleeves, of course– at bars and parties as inquisitive females approach you, asking you about your ink narrative.