Some friends mentioned this phrase: “If you love her, let her go. If she comes back, she’s yours.” How does this ring with you? Thanks.
Hi, Calvin. Thanks for the question. This will be fun to breakdown, analyze and discuss.
That phrase has some truth to it. Sometimes you just can’t convince another person to be with you no matter how hard you try. Acknowledging her independence from you (and your own from her for that matter) may be most prudent, whether or not she returns.
But let’s dig deeper. What kind of “love” is it here? What is the context between the man and the woman? I believe there are mainly two types of scenarios in which people use this quote.
The first scenario is an infatuation, a crush or anything that is one-way entirely. There is no sex, no physical affection, and no reciprocal feelings here. The dude is running a three-ring circus of immature lust for her, either with actual gestures to her or simply in his imagination of her or both. He is crazed, but it is consoling for him to save his “love” for her (more like saving his own pride) and “let” her walk away.
The second scenario is when they are totally getting it on. I mean, totally. Woo-hoo. Rawrrr.
But she is unstable, be it emotionally, socially, financially, professionally, etc. After a few weeks or some months of seeing each other, she’s gone missing. He can’t find her, but he wants to because he loves her.
Or maybe the unstable one is him! He’s not mature enough emotionally, socially, financially, professionally, or even sexually for her. So she leaves.
I don’t want to discredit either scenario. They’re both difficult and natural. But the core of that quote is this: Whatever it takes, move on.
I still stand by what I wrote a while ago, which received some flak. I declared, “We don’t marry because we love. We marry because it’s practical.” Such an evolutionary view on love and relationships isn’t sexy, but it does shed light on how two people need to get their shit together in order to be — and grow — in love.
Let me know your thoughts.
I appreciate your reply. You definitely have a passion for this.
I don’t date often, but recently I got to know this girl. We went out on 3 dates a little over a month ago. All went well and we had fun. The first time we met for lunch, during which she suggested maybe we can have dinner one day. I asked her out for dinner the next week and she obliged. The week after next, it was dinner and a movie. These 3 dates happened 3 weeks in a row. There wasn’t any “danger” signs that I saw and I thought everything was just going on fine.
So after our 3rd date, I thought I was just taking things a bit too fast, so I didn’t call her out again the next week. That week itself (the week after our 3rd date), she messaged me to ask how was my day and I called her back, wanting to talk to tell her about it, only to find out that she was already on the phone (land-line) with her mum. So, I said fine, I’ll just reply her through text.
For the coming days after that, she didn’t reply to anymore of my messages. I texted her and told her that I’m not sure how she’s feeling if she doesn’t respond to my messages, whether she was busy or I was just being too annoying. In fact, I didn’t even bombard her with messages. It was usually 1 text in 2 days, and I was trying to be polite when I implied if I was too annoying. She just replied she was busy.
But my messages continued to be ignored. I even came to the point of saying sorry to her just in case I did anything wrong, and she said it was not me; she was just too busy. From then I moved on. Never messaged/called her. I didn’t want to call her to ask what was the problem because with only 3 dates, there wasn’t really anything concrete, we were not even boyfriend/girlfriend and I didn’t want to sound intimidating.
So yeah, things have passed. The last she messaged me was to wish me happy birthday, I replied thanks, and that was it. That’s how I kinda recalled the quote and that’s why I e-mailed you out of the blue with this random question.
P.s. Maybe one other reason why I didn’t do more to find out the reason was because I wasn’t really sure if she was the one that I should pursue further, especially when you mentioned in one of your postings that we should really decide after the 3rd date, and I couldn’t…
Calvin, appreciate the detailed story of yours. A simple question:
During the three dates with her, did you hold her hand?
That seems to be the litmus test on figuring out where the dating goes awry. When a woman meets a man one-on-one for three times — in back to back to back weeks, no less — it means she wants the dude to take it to the next level. And some women don’t even know this is what they want, but their biology screams for it, even on an subconscious level.
If you did hold her hand, then did you kiss her, at least a peck on the cheek as a good-bye? Or perhaps on the lips? Did you show any physical sign of affection? I’m guessing something in this arena is missing, and because she didn’t receive that sort of affirmation from you, she walked away.
You mentioned you never dated before. Well, now you’ve started. Chalk this one on your log and file it away. Onto the next. There could be dozens of reasons why she wasn’t into, and dozens others of why YOU weren’t that into HER, either. But it’s all water under the bridge now. Of course, it’s important understand your mistakes and what you can do better next time, but I like to share with you one of my favorites quotes here.
“A good plan violently executed now is better than a perfect plan executed next week.” That’s from Patton. I think he did something great.
Good hunting, brother!