I got recognition from The Urban Dater. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
This is a dude I’d like to have drinks with… Yeah, the kid’s deep and he’s talented and he’s so darn talented.
after the date her text made no indication that she wanted to go on a second date
Word for word, someone searched the entire line above and found my blog. It’s funny, amazing and sad all at once.
Bro, did you even ask her for the second date? I hope you did.
To awkward guys, dating is confusing and scary as hell. In some ways, you’d rather be single than jump into dating. I know what that’s like for myself all too well.
But there was something –or rather somethings– that began to change me. Call them convictions if you will. They guided and pushed me into territories that I never knew existed. Because of these convictions I can now see the Matrix of Dating!
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t understand everything in dating or relationships and I certainly don’t claim to know all there is to women. (Even Doc Brown said women are a great mystery of the universe.) But I comprehend the most basic and fundamental things as a single man. And here are the convictions that brought me here.
Never stop improving. Are you becoming excellent at what you do? Are you working out? Are you watching what you eat? Are you reading and writing? Are you meeting people whom you want to emulate? Are you keeping the promises you make, especially the ones to yourself? Manliness isn’t touting your strengths but admitting your weaknesses and working on them.
Action rules. You can think, ponder, reason, hypothesize, research and plan until hell freezes over, but action rules because action is king. The most important advice is also the simplest: Go.
Make no apologies on who you are. I’m known to freeze every so often and it’s dreadfully awkward. I once greeted a blind date with a very cheerful “Hi, Tommy!” instead of “Hi, I’m Tommy!” We were both confused at why I called her my name for a good five minutes.
When a stranger politely said “God bless you” after I sneezed, I replied, “You’re welcome.” I didn’t even realize what I had said until my friend pointed it out to me.
Even though I came to the US at age four from Korea, my tongue decides to become a fob once every three months. “It’s on Wirrr-shur.” What? “Ahem, I mean Wil-shire. WiLLLLL-shire. That’s what I said, didn’t I?”
Whatever. I make no apologies. I’m a little awkward, I always have been and I always will be. Deal with it.
Be a little stubborn. Nothing gets done if the following is generally true: you’re passive, you let others decide, you chill out, you don’t speak up, you don’t want confrontation, you keep it to yourself, or you fughedabodit. If you don’t exercise stubbornness every now and then, great opportunities might slip away from you a little more often than you like.
Avoid isolation at all costs. Being single is great but it has its trade-offs. Much like stagnant water going bad because it’s not flowing, you need to be in constant contact with people, be it family, friends both old and new, co-workers, classmates, neighbors, and so on. As a single man, it’s easy to fall in the trap of obsessively thinking and planning the next date, the next girl you’ll meet, the next time you’ll hit up bars and clubs, and so on. But you have to moderate that and instead reach out to your community as often as you can, even at times when you don’t feel like it.
Have a talent or a cause you’re passionate about. Because it’s sexy as hell.
Be the greatest man you never imagined you can be. Maybe this is overkill, but it sure sounds better than “Be a man!” –Damn you, Russell Peters!– or even “Be an awesome man! Be an alpha male!” So I’ll take it further, gladly. Everything about approaching and dating women as a single man points to the conviction of becoming something beyond your current state, even beyond what you think you can achieve as a man.
This isn’t about some lame pick-up line or a cheesy dating tip. Those are a mile wide but an inch deep. This is when you dig really deep into yourself, into the darkest part of your soul that’s full of cobwebs and nightmares, and declare that you, still, are a man and you, still, are great. You begin a journey of tremendous personal change where you fear nothing.
So, approaching a girl randomly, like at a cafe or a market? And getting rejected by her?
Please, bro. You won’t fear death.
There are two things every man needs to figure out for himself. If he succeeds, he will envy no head of state, because he is a king of his own domain. But if he doesn’t, he’s royally screwed. Embarrassment, defeat, depression, isolation… It’s a living hell.
What are these two riddles?
“Ready, willing and able” is a common business and legal phrase, but it’s also apt for the dating context. For instance, are you ready, willing and able to date? To be in relationship? And how about your female of interest? Is she RWA as well?
Let’s break this phrase down, one by one.
Ready means now. Not tomorrow, not next week, not “next time”, not some vague moment in the future. If you’re flirting with a woman via any mode of communication, you best be in the go-mode, because you may get the green light to meet her, probably earlier than you expect. Likewise, if the female of interest is saying and doing all the right things, but ducking out from giving you a firm “okay” on a meet-up, she is of suspect.
Willing is want. This is emotional, natural, and even raw. Maybe she isn’t your type. Maybe she is out of your league. Maybe she’s psychotic. You can’t explain it, but you want her, you want to meet her, you want to get acquainted with her. This is desire, this is willingness.
Able shows maturity. Are you of sound health, both body and mind? Do you have a job? These may sound silly, but even unstable, unhealthy, and/or unemployed singles want to date, even though they practically can’t. (But maybe you dated one anyways.)
Do take good care of yourself? Do you keep your word? Do you show up on time? Can you show patience and humility? But, when necessary, do you also man the hell up? Can you protect, honor, and cherish a woman?
Is she there, too? Is she a woman, not just a girl? Does she have her life in control? Will she make you a better man?
It’s not best out of three. If she keeps pushing back a date, she’s not ready. If she hangs out with you but doesn’t have any fun, she’s not willing. If she’s crazy about you but she’s also just a crazy person, she’s not able.
Having one or two is insufficient. It’s all or nothing. You can’t sit on a stool that has only two legs.
RWA isn’t complicated. Simply apply the Three Date Rule: If you can get to the third date, you most likely have RWA between yourself and the woman.
Good hunting, brothers.
“No, I’m selective.”
This is my go-to defense when someone calls me picky in dating. My argument is I’ll be a headless chicken sprinting in circles if I’m not selective in today’s dating game. No matter how attractive and available a woman is, I won’t hesitate to cross her out if she meets even one of the criteria here.
(Okay, I’ll hesitate for an hour, if she’s really hot. Then I’ll cross her out. Then I’ll cry for a week.)
Women who won’t dance. I dance like a dweeb, but I don’t care. If the mood is right, I’ll be shameless on the dance floor. If she can’t let loose and shake it a little, then I’m sorry. I’ll start dancing with girl next to her.
Women who expect a fancy date from the get-go. First, I don’t know you. Second, you don’t know me. And most importantly, I don’t know you.
Women who dress too casually on a first date. I’m not expecting a gown for the red carpet or a job interview business wear, but I will make effort myself with a sports coat and a tie. With all sincerity, I hope I don’t out-dress my date, because that’ll be embarrassing for both of us.
Women who show too much affection too early. Getting all touchy-feely on a first date? When I didn’t even do much at all? My imagination goes wild, but so does my early warning radar. Too much, too soon, girl.
Women who carry a handbag the size of a baby rhinoceros.
Women who ask me to hold their handbag (of any size) while they go pee. Maybe if the girl and I have been seeing each other for some time, I’ll relent. But on the very first date? Even Will Smith says no to that.
Women who are “exploring” or “figuring things out.” This is almost an euphemism for “I can’t be exclusive with one man.” Even if that isn’t true, she can explore all she wants without me, because I’m busy building, not exploring.
Women who like alcohol more than I do. What’s the craziest cocktail ever invented? Women and booze.
Women in transition. She just moved to this city from far away? Or perhaps she’s in grad school for the next year or two or four? I don’t know what it is with women in transition. They all seem to be unstable, as if literally they are losing their minds while trying to adjust. Don’t let their giddy excitement deceive you.
Women who laugh at their own jokes too much. Actually, anyone who does this is annoying.
Women who don’t like talking on the phone. By title of this blog, one can infer that I like to communicate with my female of interest via telephony. By calling before the date (or after it), I try to break the ice, make a human connection, show her my personality, and attempt a real relationship here. An initial shyness against a phone call is understandable, but that must not last for long. My eyes can’t roll hard enough when a girl says, “But I don’t like talking on the phone.” Please.
Women who hi-jack a date by bringing a friend. C’mon, really? Let’s invite all of our friends, yeah?
Women who still live at home with their parents. There may be legitimate reasons for an adult — woman OR man — to live with the ‘rents, such as unemployment, being a student, or taking physical care of a sick family member. Putting aside these as exceptions, it basically means the individual is simply too comfortable (lazy) or too hesitant (immature) to live on his or her own. Plus, I would hate to imagine I’m keeping my date’s parents waiting for her while we’re out. Then I might as well date a 21 year old. Woo-hoo.
Women who don’t appreciate gentlemanly gestures. As much as I can, I will open doors, grab the check, and be funny (or die tryin’). I don’t expect a Medal of Honor, just a “thank you” would be great. I shake my head when women forget their manners.
Women who don’t have hobbies. Have a life, because I do. It’s like show-and-tell. (Not that kind, you dirty bastard.) Sharing each other’s interests and passions can be very inspiring and stimulating. (Not that kind, you dirty bastard.)
What did I miss here? Feel free to contribute in the comments section.
Blogger’s Note: This is an entry I wrote almost exactly a year ago. Word for word, it’s the same. Although I should correct “Modern Warfare 3″ to “Black Ops 2.” Enjoy.
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I’m a fan of dating. I want people who should be dating to be dating, and enjoying it. This would be a year-round adventure but today I must conclude the holiday season is off season for dating new people.
Why? It’s not due to one big reason but the sum of several small ones.
First, there’s the time spent with family. Now that’s usually a good thing, but for some it can be particularly stressful being with parents, especially if the folks are wholly and completely obsessed about you having their grandchildren like my parents are, which is another entry.
Next, the lost time at work can lead to the same productivity to be done in less time, making things unpleasant. Some people have to travel, and that usually wears out both the mind and body, especially the days leading up to the departure. There might be several holiday parties to attend, which isn’t easy as a single.
Then, when you finally have a quiet moment to relax, you look back at the passing year and look ahead to the upcoming one. It might be sobering and depressing but that sort of pondering is necessary.
So, in many aspects, it’s really not that easy to make the time and effort to ask someone out for the very first time during the holidays. There are just too many things going on.
But, let’s say you’re an exception and you’re “like whatevers” to all this. Your parents are chill, your work is chill, you don’t have travel plans, you don’t have any parties to go to (um… but you do have friends, right?) and there is no pondering to do because life is just über awesome. So, no off season, right?
Sorry, bro, it’s still a no-go. Why? Just because YOU are ok doesn’t mean THE LADIES are ok, too. I guaran-freaking-tee you that the holidays both openly and subtly affect single girls so much that even if you had the world’s best first date on Black Friday, she will not see you again before New Year’s, maybe never again. Girls need a lot more emotional and situational steadiness than guys to be up for a new, fresh and quality dating experience.
So just enjoy the off season as a single young buck. Spend quality time with your fam, buddies, winter ales, the slopes and Modern Warfare 3. And once the new year is here, get back in the game. You’ll appreciate it more.
I’m vain. Being my vain self, I stare at my blog here all the time, as if words will magically appear and the blog will write itself! Then one day, while during a trance of cyber self-publishing admiration, it hit me.
What is an awkward guy? Hell, what does awkward even?
It’s up there on the header graphic, a keyword in describing my target audience. So, for starters, it’s something important when I discuss about dating.
Is awkward good or bad? Well, neither, really. It leans more towards bad than good, however.
After a first date or a blind date, I ask my female friends how it went. They usually pick a generic word, like good, okay, or whatever. But when I ask what was the guy like, they get a little more specific. They say things like, “He made me laugh a lot!” or “He was nervous, and that was cute!” or “He was an arrogant douche!”
Or –and this one is my favorite, obviously– they say, “He was awkward. I don’t know what else to say.” And I hear this quite frequently from the ladies. It seems to be an obscure epidemic.
So let’s break it down on what awkward is and how we can cure it.
Awkward is immediate. I don’t think a woman will take an hour into the first date to realize you’re an awkward guy. On the contrary, it takes less than five minutes. You don’t even have to open your mouth. How do you greet your date? Do you smile warmly? If you were sitting, do you stand to greet her properly? Do you give her a quick hug? Do you make direct eye contact right away? Do you keep your back straight? If you fail to do these, you probably are in the awk-zone, which girls can sense miles away.
The Cure: Have a First Five Minute routine. Practice this routine with everyone, not just on dates. I shake hands firmly, I state my name loudly and clearly, and I say something like, “It’s very nice to meet you” as genuinely as possible. When I meet female friends, I always give them a friendly hug, which I transferred to blind dates, even if it does feel uber-awkward hugging someone I’ve never met before. I’m not big on small talk, but I got the hang of it, and it helps if you repeat the name of the person you’re talking to a few times during the initial small talk. The more you walk through your First Five Minute routine in general, the more it’ll help you on dates.
Awkward isn’t shy. Being awkward and being shy are not the same. You can be shy, an introvert, and generally reserved, but still have some level of confidence. Small talk is just not your thing, and that’s all right. You still engage with people and with dates –the right ones, at least– just fine.
Similarly, being talkative doesn’t automatically free you from the awkward epidemic. Chattiness might actually hurt your game, taking away from any sort of romantic mystery or curiosity.
The Cure: Whether you’re shy or gabby, set the first date for coffee or drinks, not a meal. That way the date won’t be as long, so the lady won’t be as burdened with your shy silence or your shameless stories. Also, when in doubt, ask, ask, ask. What is she like? What’s her story? Where is she from? What’s her family like? Who are her best friends? What does she do for fun? Does she have any travel plans coming up? Turning the attention on her will most definitely save you from your own awkward self.
Awkward is uncomfortable. In most social settings but especially on dates, being with someone awkward is really uncomfortable. This is crucial for men to understand, because discomfort is perhaps the worst emotion a woman can experience, only second to being creeped out by a creepy creeper. If your date feels uncomfortable around you, then brother, she has checked out. Sure, she is there with you, smiling at what you say, but she is only there in body, not in spirit. She is itching to check her phone to see if it’s reasonably okay to call it a night and run home, literally. Awkward kills dates, from the inside out.
The Cure: First, get out of jail. Just kidding. I think the best cure is to make yourself comfortable first. And how can you get comfortable? Go on a lot of dates, like a hundred dates. I know that sounds ridiculous, but friend, everything is weird and strange and unfamiliar if you haven’t experienced it enough. Go on a hundred dates with a hundred different women, then I’ll bet my imaginary house that I bought just right now in my head that you will be most assuredly comfortable on dates. And the ladies will be as well.
Awkward is blind and dumb. I’m not taking about being sensitive, that’s an emotion where a person is hurt, vulnerable and defensive. I’m talking about being sensible, which is a skill. Sensibility is the active awareness to see what’s best for another person or a situation. Awkward guys do not have this skill.
The Cure: Lead something, anything. When you’re in a position of leadership, you have to be fully aware of the status of your people and of the situation. If you don’t, you’re screwed. Or, throw a big party at your place. Playing host is a great outlet to exercise social awareness.
One last thought on being awkward: Admit it. No matter how much you try to “cure” your awkwardness, some of it will still be there, so you might as well embrace that side of yourself. Being a little shameless and even proud that you’re not as smooth as some guys are makes you unique, quirky, and even like-able.
Why, that’s me!